Conspiracy Theories
by Wykked As Syn
Summary: After loosing one to many games of cards, Draco thinks he's got it all figured out. But Harry isn't entirely convinced. Sattelites don't work like that...right? Sattelites, rigged cards, and aluminum foil, oh my!


**Note: **This is the product of losing one too many games of cards. Enjoy!

* * *

"It's a conspiracy!" Draco shouted, jumping to his feet. "_They_ don't want us to win!"

"Not this again," Harry sighed, looking up from his homework. A three foot essay in Potions. Yuck. And Draco wouldn't let him copy. The bastard! So, they were sitting together in the Room of Requirement. Draco helping occasionally.

"I've been playing for hours!" Draco continued, ignoring Harry. "And I haven't won once! I'm telling you, _they_ don't want us to win!"

"Draco, I think you need sleep," Harry said before returning to his homework. Only two feet to go. Joy.

"I have slept! I got - " Draco started counting on his fingers. " - Eight hours! Maybe...I think. I can't remember! But! I have slept!"

"If you say so," Harry said disbelievingly.

"I'm telling you, _they_ rigged the cards!" Draco went on. "I've tried three different decks with the same results! Failure!"

"Really now? And who are _they_?" Harry asked, giving up on his homework. There was no point in trying when Draco went into 'rant mode'.

"_They_ are the creators of the game! _They_ watch us on satellite, _they_ laugh at our misfortune," Draco explained.

"Do you even know what a satellite is?" Harry inquired.

"No," was Draco's reply. "But! I heard Granger talking about how people watch us on satellite! So, _they_ _must_ be watching us and laughing at our continuous losses."

Harry sighed. "If you say so, Draco."

"I do!" Draco insisted, going back to play cards.

Harry shook his head and focused on his homework once more. Snape was a slave driver. Telling them to read six chapters and give a three foot summary on it. Six inches per chapter. It was outrageous! The evil bastard. He liked watching them suffer, Harry was sure.

"Failed! Again!" Draco shouted, interrupting the silence. "I'm telling you, _they've_ rigged the cards. _They_ use satellite signals to magically change the cards so you can't win! You agree with me, right, Harry?"

"Uh huh," Harry said, not really paying Draco any mind. His essay was due tomorrow, dammit!

"Liar!" Draco pointed an accusing finger at Harry. "You're in cahoots with _them_, aren't you?"

"Oh, yes, definitely," Harry rolled his eyes.

"I knew it!" Draco shouted. "That means that you know of _their_ plan for world domination!"

"World domination?" Harry questioned.

"Yes. _They_ rig the cards so that we spend hours upon hours playing, intent on winning, but we never do! And _they_ watch us on satellite to make sure we lose and keep playing. Meanwhile, _they_ are secretly planning to take over the world!" Draco explained. "_They_ make sure we never win. So, _they_ can take over the world while we're occupied!"

Harry blinked. His boyfriend had finally lost it. "Draco, I'm trying to do my homework. Go back to playing Solitaire." Yes, that's right. Draco was convinced that Solitaire was a conspiracy. A distraction to take over the world.

Things were quiet once again. Harry was working diligently on his essay. So caught up in it, he jumped when Draco shouted again. "Once more! I lose!"

"Maybe you just suck," Harry offered, vanishing a blotch on his essay that he made when he jumped.

"I am a Malfoy!" Draco proclaimed. "We do not suck."

Harry chuckled. "Keep telling yourself that."

Draco ignored Harry. "And this is why I know the game is rigged and _they_ are planning to take over the world!"

Just as Harry was about to continue his homework, Draco shouted and threw the deck of cards he was playing with across the room.

"Draco," Harry growled. He needed to finish his essay, dammit!

"That's it!" Draco shouted. "I'm absolutely convinced! _They_ want to take over the world! _They_ don't want us to win! That's the fifth deck I've tried!"

"Maybe you're just not good at it," Harry sighed.

"Nonsense," Draco denied. "I'm good at everything."

"I'll just let you believe that," Harry snickered.

"I've got it!" Draco announced. "It's the satellites!"

"Huh?" was Harry's intelligent reply. He wasn't sure where Draco was going with this.

"_They_ can read out minds with the satellites,_ they_ know which moves we're going to make! And _they_ use signals to change the cards on us!" Draco explained. "Honestly, Harry, keep up.

Harry blinked. It was official, Draco had lost his mind.

"We need aluminum foil!" Draco proclaimed.

"Alu...minum...foil?" Harry asked slowly.

"Yes!" Draco answered. "To keep _them_ from reading out minds. And to keep the signals away from the cards."

Harry tilted his head to the side.

"We wrap ourselves and the cards in aluminum foil and the signals can't get us!" Draco explained.

"And where did you get that wacky idea?" Harry asked.

"Granger was saying that that's what people use to keep out signals when they're doing illegal things," Draco said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Did she now? Do you even know what aluminum foil is?"

"Of course I do!" Draco said proudly.

"Ok," Harry said, shaking his head.

"Psst, Harry," Draco whispered. "What's aluminum foil?"

Harry sighed and smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand. He thought for a second and a long box appeared beside him. He handed it to Draco, "This."

Draco took the box and said, "Now, we wrap ourselves in it!"

"Have fun," Harry said.

"You're wrapping yourself in it, too," Draco said.

"Oh, hell no!" Harry shouted, jumping up as Draco advanced toward him, unrolling the foil. "No way in hell am I going along with this! I have homework to do, dammit!"

"But, Harry!" Draco whined, still advanced toward the raven haired teen.

"Come any close and – and – and - " Harry stuttered. " - No sex for a month!"

Draco gasped. "You wouldn't!

"Oh yeah? Try me," Harry smirked. Draco backed off.

Harry sighed and went back to where he was sitting, attempting to finish his godforsaken essay. He only had eight inches left. If Draco interrupted him _one_ more time, he was going to castrate him! It's not like the blond topped, anyway.

Draco, however, was occupied by wrapping aluminum foil around his head, muttering about satellites, world domination, mind reading and being made a fool. He just wanted to win the game, dammit!

Harry only had three inches left of his essay when Draco shouted. "Failed! Again!"

"Draco," Harry said warningly.

"Just when you think you're about to win. BAM! - " the blond clapped his hands together for affect. " - You lose!"

"Draco!" Harry shouted. The blond looked up at Harry, his pale blue eyes wide, looking around frantically, his blond hair poking out at odd angles from underneath the aluminum foil. "I don't care about your stupid theory!"

"It's not stupid!" Draco protested.

"Yes, it is!" Harry argued.

"No, it's not!" Draco screamed. "It's more complicated than I thought! The aluminum foil is stopping them from reading my thoughts, but I'm still losing! They must be able to read my thoughts through the cards!"

Draco then proceeded to wrap his hands in aluminum foil. Harry went back to his homework. He almost snapped his quill in half when Draco had another outburst. He only needed half an inch. Half an inch, dammit!

"That must be it! _They_ can sense what I'm about to do and make the cards change!Unless," Draco gasped and began frantically looking around the room. "_They _can see us! Oh god! Harry, _they_ can see us! That means _they_ have seen all the things we've done!"

"Draco, nobody can see us," Harry growled. Half an inch!

"But _they_ can! _They_ can!" Draco insisted. "How else can _they_ know what I'm going to do?! I'm not directly touching the cards!"

"You're just being paranoid," Harry insisted.

"No! It's the ultimate plan to take over the world!" Draco exclaimed.

"There is no plan to take over the world," Harry sighed.

"Then, you play," Draco offered. "See if you can win!"

"Fine!" Harry shouted, getting up from his seat to walk over to Draco. "I'll prove to you there's no conspiracy."

"But, there is!" Draco insisted.

Harry sat down and began to play, determined to prove the blond wrong and shut him up once and for all. Harry had sat through so many rants. He had better things to do than listen to his boyfriend go on about nonsense, dammit! And he was going to have a long talk to Hermione about satellites and aluminum foil.

Harry played game after game but to no avail. He just couldn't win. Maybe Draco was just playing a joke on him. And rigged the deck so that Harry couldn't win. So, he tried a different deck. One that he always carried around with him. Hey! A boy never knew when some poor kid wanted to gamble with him.

Harry began playing with his own deck. So many times he came close to winning, only to run out of moves.

"Well shit," Harry said.

Draco started jumping circles around Harry. "I told you so! I told you so!"

"I can't believe you're right. It is rigged!" said a shocked Harry.

"I know! I told you I was," Draco said, eyes still shifting around the room quickly. "But did you listen to me? No!"

"I'm sorry!" Harry pleaded. "Give me the aluminum foil!"

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere in the middle of the desert, a voice was laughing evilly as he watched Harry and Draco panic, putting aluminum foil everywhere. Little did they know that it did nothing. World domination was in the palm of his hand.

* * *

I hope you all enjoyed that. Be sure to review and check out my other work! Until next time.

-Wykked As Syn


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